Ghosts of Dates Past – The One With The Fanny-Pack

Once upon a time, my sister and her partner, decided that since they were in a happy relationship, I should be too.   My sister’s first suggestion was an English teacher she worked with. 

“He’s sooooooo smart and funny and sensitive”, she said.  “He has read so many books, and loves outdoorsy things like you!” 

“That sounds great,” I said, “is he good-looking?”

“I don’t know if he’s good-looking, I’m a lesbian!” my sister replied.   I called her on her bullshit, I mean seriously, lesbian or not, you can tell if someone is attractive.  She went on to explain that she thought he was attractive, except that. . .he was missing an eyeball.  She tried to sell it, saying he was sexy like Patch on Days of Our Lives.  She said that eventually he was getting a glass eye.  I couldn’t bring myself to go out with a guy that was missing an eyeball and my sister kept giving me a bad time about it.  Why couldn’t she just be supportive of my decision?  Didn’t she understand me at all?

Later that summer, my sister and her partner found another potential date for me.  My sister-in-law worked with this guy at the fire station.  She said he was really cute and sweet and had just bought a house near Greenlake.  This all sounded good and I agreed to meet him.  We all made plans for a barbeque later the next week, with some other friends as well so it wouldn’t feel forced.

I was quite excited about the prospects of an attractive, home-owning fire fighter.  I heard my sister-in-law open the door, and the next thing I know, a dude walks in wearing one of the biggest fanny packs I’ve ever seen.  Then he smiled to reveal a mouthful of braces.  He was an attractive guy, and I could have overlooked the braces, but a fanny pack? 

We all settled in to have a glass of wine.  We ate dinner.  We played board games.  The fanny pack never came off.  I couldn’t figure it out.  Was he carrying a stash of drugs?  A baby bird he was nursing back to health that needed to stay close to his body for heat? 

As soon as he left, my sister-in-law pounced on me and asked what I though.  Before I could speak, my big sister chimed in on my behalf,

“I’m pretty sure she’s not into him.  Did you see the fanny pack?  My sister is  not going to go out with a guy who wears a fanny pack around!” 

I didn’t get a date out of the evening, but I was thrilled because I knew that my sister did understand and support me after all.


~ by cleanslate2010 on January 19, 2010.

2 Responses to “Ghosts of Dates Past – The One With The Fanny-Pack”

  1. Oh man, I was cracking up when I read this. A guy with no eye and then the fanny pack?! It’s a good thing Heidi’s a lesbian! 😉 Maybe he was carrying a gun in the fanny pack? John’s told me before a lot of people do that so it’s not obvious they’re carrying. Uhhhh, yeah, but then you’re wearing a fanny pack. I’d rather have a gun on my hip!

  2. “Is that a baby bird in your fanny pack, or are you just happy to see me?”

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